Why do so many marriages have sexual issues. I’m not talking about premature ejaculation, which seems to be trending among men these days, neither am I talking about related medical issues on either side. No, I’m talking about the lack of unbridled sexual activity between a man and his wife; between a woman and her husband. You know; no holds barred wherever sexual intercourse that leaves both satiated, smiles on their faces and a spring in their step with the mentally that “I can conquer the world” (maybe not quite that but you know what I mean).

If not even for the preceding reasons; for medical ones like burning calories, sense of well-being, improved attitude etc. Majority of couples are “managing” each other. Women might have it slightly better because of our make up but in recent times women are exploring their sexuality more and are realizing that they have been hoodwinked into accepting mediocre sex as mind blowing sex and now that they know, they want the actual thing.
The real thing-abandonment, orgasms, variation of styles, methods and the right to ask for what she wants!

A friend sent me a spoof of a Christian couple that went to see a marriage counselor/sex therapist. The woman was being frustrated by her husband’s religious approach to performing his conjugal duties. For starters, he couldn’t call the act by its appropriate name-he called it
“pleasing each other’s flesh” ( I thought that was a catchy way to say it-but sister was having none of it!). The particular incident that led to this visit to the counselor arose as they were getting down and he was about to give her head/perform cunnilingus/go down on her (whichever one you prefer) and she had closed her eyes in anticipation and realized the pleasure wasn’t forth coming. She opened her eyes and she found him praying! He defended himself by saying, “you have to pray for your food before you eat” (referred to her vagina as the “throne” which I found cute…) he went on to say he had to bless it and sanctify it. Honestly, at this point I was laughing so hysterically; I couldn’t believe he believed what he was saying but he was darn serious as he kept talking and scandalizing the therapist who asked him if he thought he was going to get food poisoning by “eating” her! She made it quite clear that she didn’t want God in the room! ( not that I blame her but asking the owner of the universe who has eyes everywhere and can be anywhere at anytime to excuse you, well now that’s a really tall order-)

What is the mental block that makes couples so pretentious and non-communicative about sex?
Long before the world became sexually permissive, sex was reserved exclusively between married folks. In practice though, most people have lots of practice before they get married. In many cases with the one they end up marrying. This is where the confusion is, there were no challenges during this illegal period; it wasn’t pious, restrictive, curtailed or planned. It is mind boggling listening to women (and a growing number of men) complaining about sexual acts and activities that she and her partner would indulge in prior to marriage but now that they are married he either brands the activity as wrong, spiritually unacceptable or just resorts to downright refusal aka selfishness! Treading a thin line, is God punishing the relationship for “cheating”? (no one should chop off my head after all, there is meningitis in Northern Nigeria because of fornication..so I’m just saying..)
I recently asked a male friend, ‘if your wife asks you to try something new in bed, what goes through your mind?’ Now this is a schooled man with loads of experience under his belt but he honestly answered, “surprised. Why would she be asking?” What bothered me was the fact that at that moment he forgot that she’s flesh and blood like him-can feel and can want. Why do men feel threatened when a woman wants or asks for what she would like? Why is she branded a slut? Why do men resort to thinking that she’s been talking to her bad single friends 😠 they tend to forget that married women feel they’ve been elevated and actually talk and interact less with their female friends!!
More and more mushroom marriage counselors/sex therapists are springing up because there are couples who are looking for people to talk to, advice and solve the problem. However, the counseling really just needs to be between the two. With the way marriage is regarded as the be it and end all, ( till death do us part thingy), you would think that now that there is exclusivity, why is there the hold back? Too many men doing 419 for their wives and in some cases giving all the pleasure to their girlfriends! Tsk! Unfair, unfair, unfair!!
Since women are at the receiving end here, men let’s be very clear; women want good sex. Simple. The type she received prior to marriage and even more now that there is no more sneaking! if she wasn’t sexually active prior, she is a blank slate and open to exploring. Be fair and lead her. Shebi you are the man; take the lead. Women want to orgasm. It is not a myth, Biko. If not I dare say, you are doing it so wrong. Yes, you are not much of a stud. You need to stop being selfish. Yeah, yeah, we know how you guys are built, do you know how we are? While we aren’t burdened by thoughts of sexual activity to the point of distraction regularly; when we are, we want quality sexual engagement-a good number of us( I can hear the protestations about rigid and stiff women). Of course, she’ll be-have you taken her to heights unknown? Have you made her cry for joy? Have you shown her a whole new world? Have you left her thoroughly drained? Has she spoken in an unknown language that even she can’t decipher? Ehen.
If a woman is allowed/encouraged to blossom with her man; you/he too will see a whole new world.
So stop the protestations, hypocrisy, overthinking and selfishness and get to work!

1 Comment

  1. Kate
    Apr 24, 2017

    Very interesting write up! You got me laughing seriously. I’m still laughing oh! Especially @ praying before food. Well the woman needed God to excuse them after all His the Father. Why stay where your daughter is engaging in sexual activities? Hahahahaha 😂😂😂😂! Kai wayooooo!

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